hindi na banyaga sakin ang pakiramdam ng nagiisa't malungkot. 

back when i was a kid, there's nothing to lose coz ive got nothing. nung mga araw na yun, material things are the best..

not until now...

nung bata ako, marami akong naging kaagaw sa mga mahal ko sa buhay. my dad gave us up and went to another country.

when i was young i did not realize that money is really the root of all evil.

not until the day i bought my mindfrom a store called "experience".

my mom and dad got separated and build their own family.

in high school i totally envy my friends for seeing them with their parents.

natuto ako uminom, magyosi, at magsinungaling as an outlet for my feelings... thinking that no one cares and no one wants to own me as a child.

im staying with my mom right now and im thankful for that.. my father is outside the country with my half brother and his wife. i only wish that i get the equal attention and love that he's giving them.

as for my mom i only wish she's not super hot tempered. it creates negative feelings kasi in me..

i am selfish now with my special someone. that's why i hate the people who try to ruin our relationship. i want to feel that he is mine, yung walang kahati.

last week nagstart yung film showing ng forest gump sa subject namin na literature. so, "run forest run" ang drama namin nun. ive watch that film back when i was younger, i did not appreciate it because for me that time, understanding movies or films was a waste of time. i'd rather spend time with my priceless barkada. another movie ive watched was "good burge" (im not sure if that's the title). ahmmm... "welcome to good buger home of the good burger" naman ang drama dun.

there's this similarities iv noticed aside from repeating such phrases..

both main characters o yung bida ay mababa ang i.Q. level.. it's funny how they answer questions and do thing so childlike(not childish). then.. i came up with this realization..

• meron talagang mga taong ganun. reality check ito..  
• mas madali nilang naaappreciate ang pinakamaliit na bagay compared to the smart ones na sobrang demanding and they want/only sees the biggest blessings.  
• slow people try to understand things or situation so slow that later in life they know how to manipulate what they learned from the past.
• they value every singgle things in life more than other people do.
• they also do things slow but much better.
• can make us feel good na walang ka-effort-effort.

the idea that forms into my mind is this:

everyone is good at something or in some field. everybody has a gift, all we have to do is to decipher it and generate it..

pagkatapos ng mga oras na kasama ko si special someone, mas naiisip ko na "i should be grateful for having him"..

siya..

sinasalo niya lahat ng badtrip sa mundo ko. he is my shock absorber kapag nga nakikita ko siya mas lalong tumitindi yung urge na maksama ko siya. i laugh more everytime i'm with him. tapos natututunan ko na rin sumaya kung ano siya[his personality]..

minsan kasi i'm looking for something that he's not and i'm wishing he was more than what he is right now. dun ako nagkakaroon ng battle of heart-and-mind. it builds up the idea of trying someone new, someone not like him. pero lahat ng pagaalinlangan na ito ay mali. i consider it as the darkest moment of our relationship. ako mismo kasi ang tumutulak sa relationship namin to be on-the-rocks. so ngayon im practicing to be more patient when he's becoming slow and i try to be more positive than before when it come to us.

good thing after all i have said and i've done just to make him go away.. he is still here supporting me in every way and still my shock absorber at times i had tantrums and or i feel bad and alone...  

happiness..

nag-email si daddy at sinabi niyang nagbid na siya sa e-bay for the checkered pink and black bag that i like.. may cherry siya sa gilid.. he told me that he hope to win the bid.

anyway, ok naman kami ni tuya as of now.. malaking tulong din yung pagbasa ko ng cosmo mag para malaman na mali pala yung attitude na pinapakita at pinaparamdam ko sa kaniya..

malapit na rin birthday ng utol ko.. nahihilig na rin sa make-up kaya yun yung hinihingi niya sakin.. ewan ko ba.. ang kikay kikay niya..

pakiramdam ko nilalagnat ako.. ewan ko ba..

nakakainis! dati hinihiling ko na sana umulan para lumamig naman.. mainit kasi sa kwarto ko kapag taginit.. e, di ko naman inaasahan na sa sobrang lakas ng ulan tutulo ng sobra sa kwarto ko.. wala nga akong mapagpwestuhan ng gamit ko e.. nakakainis.. pakiramdam ko tuloy na nasayang lang yung perang ipinagpagawa dun.. halos di nako matulog para lang mapunasan yung mga tulo dun.. kala ko pa naman meron nakong matatawag na "my place" kaso hindi pala.. nanghihinayang ako sa pera.. kung hindi kasi nakialam si tatay, edi sana maayos ngayon yung kwarto ko.. delubyo pa inabot ko.. kulang ako sa tulog, nagaalala ako na baka mabasa yung gamit ko,..

naalala ko tuloy yung sinabi ng special someone ko..

sabi niya "maswuerte pa rin tayo".

dahil nakwento ko sa kanya yung kwinento ng prof namin tungkol sa isang place na kung saan yung mga bata naglalakad papunta sa school nila na may dala dalang bato.. nacurious yung researcher kaya sinundan niya.. sa table ng mga bata, nakita niyang kinakaskas nila yung bato sa ibat ibang direksyon.. out of curiosity, he asked one student kung para saan yun, sabi ng studyante, nagpapraktis daw sila gumamit ng mouse (sa computer).. may computer naman sila, pero sagrado ito.. umaga't gabi may nagbabantay ng computer nila, take note, nasa cabinet yung computer at naka-lock ito.. nagmistulang disenyo yung computer at hindi ito pinapahawakan at pinapagamit kahit kanino. matatanaw mo lang yung itsura niya dahil glass ang ang pinto nito. dinonate daw yun sa kanila. nagiisa lang yung computer na yun. kaya iniingatan daw nila..